The Sorting Hat's Prank Year
by Watermelonsmellinfellon
Summary: The Sorting Hat wants some entertainment this year. A/N: Pure crack fic proposed by flamingpen18. Idea is hers.


**A/N: Hello, people!**

 **I don't own Harry Potter.**

 **I have no beta.**

 **ENJOY!**

 **CHECK ME OUT ON TUMBLR. THE LINK IS ON MY PROFILE. I FOLLOW BACK!**

* * *

The Sorting Hat wasn't a living being, but was sentient to a point. The hat had a job unlike any other. To start the children of Hogwarts on the right paths.

In truth, the hat held a lot of power. No matter how often unity was preached at Hogwarts, those sorted into their Houses, usually only made friends in their Houses and rarely stepped outside unless having family sorted elsewhere.

The hat never forgot who was sorted into what House. He controlled where the children went and that also meant he had influence over their future connections.

But this year, he felt that a change was in order.

Things had become too topsy-turvy in the magical world.

People were becoming too arrogant. No one really cared about the economy enough to do something about all the injustices.

So this year, he was going to sort everyone into the House that would teach them the best lessons!

September of 1991, the Sorting Hat sat upon the stool and gave the usual song. This one a mere explanation of the Houses and what they stood for. Only the hat knew what was in store for the first years though.

He inwardly chuckled as the first child was called.

"Abbot, Hannah!"

A small child. Definitely Hufflepuff material, but that wasn't where she was going. She needed some courage.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Bones, Susan!"

Another Hufflepuff. But she was a bit more shrewd.

"RAVENCLAW!"

"Brown, Lavender!"

Definitely a Gryffindor, but she needs to learn some humility.

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Boot, Terry!"

Finally, a boy. A boy who felt he was far too intelligent for anywhere but Ravenclaw, hm? Well, the Sorting Hat was about to burst his bubble.

"SLYTHERIN!"

Perhaps the snakes would teach him some valuable lessons.

"Brocklehurst, Mandy!"

Should do well in Slytherin or Ravenclaw, but she needed some serious help.

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Bulstrode, Millicent!"

Young lady far too occupied with eating to pay attention to anything else. She could really use the stairs.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

He could hear the horror in her thoughts as she bumbled away.

"Corner, Michael!"

Ah, yes. Another Ravenclaw. He needed to learn that not everything in a book is true.

"SLYTHERIN!"

The _terror_ he inflicted!

"Crabbe, Vincent!"

Another eater. But this one was taught his whole life that his only job was to befriend and guard someone else. That wouldn't do.

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

Let the boy make friends that would do him some good.

"Davis, Tracey!"

A Slytherin who needed a lesson in Acceptance.

"RAVENCLAW!"

"Dunbar, Fay!"

Most definitely brash and unafraid. Could use some lessons in subtlety.

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Finch-Fletchley, Justin!"

 _Ohh_ , related to muggle nobility, huh? A bit too posh for his own good and while intelligent, in serious need of some chivalry.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Finnegan, Seamus!"

Already had his first ale. Hopes to find a spell to turn water into rum. Gryffindor for sure but…

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Granger, Hermione!"

Most definitely a Ravenclaw, already read through the course books and memoized four of them in two months. Too reliant on books. In serious need of friends.

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Goldstein, Anthony!"

Well wasn't this one just a know-it-all. He'd do well in a place where no one cared about how many numbers of PI he memorized.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Goyle, Gregory!"

Basically young Vincent's twin. The boys had a deep connection, even in food. Might as well.

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

 _Mercy has been bestowed._

"Greengrass, Daphne!"

Chilly exterior, longing interior. A bit too preoccupied with her looks though. Could make use of some Acceptance and Wit.

"RAVENCLAW!"

"Hopkins, Wayne!"

A happy child with no real experience in life. Needs a wake up call.

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Jones, Megan!"

In desperate need of a stronger Will.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Li, Sue!"

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Longbottom, Neville!"

 _Heh heh._

"SLYTHERIN!"

The poor boy began to quiver as he moved away.

"Macmillan, Ernest!"

Needs real friends.

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Malfoy, Draco!"

 _I'm in Slytherin, obviously._

So he thinks.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

 _What?! My father will hear about this!_

The Sorting Hat strikes again!

"Nott, Theodore!"

Could pick up a book once and a while.

"RAVENCLAW!"

"Parkinson, Pansy!"

Ugh! No.

"CANNOT BE SORTED!"

" _ **WHAT?!**_ "

"NOT ENOUGH MAGIC TO CAST A SPELL! SQUIB!"

She wasn't really and they'd probably find out later, but for the sake of his amusement.

"Patil, Parvati!"

Ooh! In need of _everything_ Rowena had to offer.

RAVENCLAW!"

"Patil, Padma!"

Backbone on the way.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Potter, Harry!"

 _Albus wanted this one in Gryffindor, but he is most definitely Slytherin. If it wouldn't terrify everyone, I wouldn't do it, but…_

"SLYTHERIN!"

There was silence for a few moments.

Maybe he'd gone too far?

"Thomas, Dean!"

Finally. Hm. An all around good child. Probably needs some self-preservation though.

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Turpin, Lisa!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

No need to think on it.

"Weasley, Ronald!"

Ugh! Another Weasley. _Heh heh heh. Good luck getting into the Common Room, boy._

"RAVENCLAW!"

"Zabini, Blaise!"

How dark. Could use some light.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

The Sorting Hat has struck again!

* * *

 **Omake Ronald:**

The stupid statue asked a riddle to each person who wished to enter the Common Room.

Unfortunately, Ron didn't know how to answer riddles. Professor Flitwick had to set up a small side room in his quarters because the statute wouldn't let him in unless he answered the riddles it asked.

It was near Christmas and he still hadn't seen the inside of the Ravenclaw Common Room or the dorm!

* * *

 **Omake Harry and Neville:**

The two guided each other among the House of Snakes.

Harry's ability to speak to serpents keeping everyone a respectable distance. Also gave him some respect because it was an 'old talent'.

Poor Neville had only just stopped being scared enough to soil himself.

But they were okay at least.

Everyone's heads snapped to the side as a long, drawn out scream rang in the distance.

* * *

 **Omake Draco:**

They put a snake in his bed!

When his father heard about it, they'd be done for!

* * *

 **Omake Hermione:**

"And so you multiply x by the y in order to get z."

Hermione Granger smiled to herself as her students progressed in Algebra.

Who knew Hogwarts would be so fun?

Vincent and Gregory raised their hands.

"What do you boys need?"

* * *

 **A/N: Done!**

 **How was it? Let me know!**

 **Check out my other fics.**

 **See ya! :D**

 **CHECK ME OUT ON TUMBLR. THE LINK IS ON MY PROFILE. I FOLLOW BACK!**


End file.
